Madlodies♫

//Tuesday, January 26, 2010 3:35 PM

I am slowly walking out..

Yesterday I was pondering about the many things which have happened so recently..it was tormenting, it was frightful. It's the devil coming straight into my face, at any moment ready to crush me into pieces that i can never piece myself up again. He pounded me hard, real hard. I felt I was in fear and torment everyday and he continues to laugh at me. He scoffs and he tells lies. My whole personality was messed up and i felt depression is pulling at my leg again. And then i hear those voices that kept ringing in my ears and mind. I cannot even think properly, I am going crazy. Once I talk about it, I will get really emotional. I would often cry. It's like I am standing on the edge, about to fall anytime. Seriously at one point, I felt life was meaningless, hopeless and confused. I hate feeling like this. Some days, I am just wearing a smile...unconsciously.

One day, viva la vida just came ringing into my mind...that's weird, i never really listen much to this song except through streets when i walked pass or cafes or some random events I have been to. And my sister casually made a remark, hey that song has lots of meaning inside. So I went to check out the lyrics. As I listened to the song with my heart, it gives you a surge of hope and excitement about life. Viva la vida means Long Live Life!or Celebrate Life! Coincidentally, these two words just popped into my mind sometime ago too. That's so like it...very christened and i feel that this song also sings about a person who had lived the dream but somehow it was wasted away.

http://www.songfacts.com/detail.php?id=11520

Chris Martin from Coldplay said that the song was inspired by Frida Kahlo. A famous mexican painter. "She went through a lot of shit, of course, and then she started a big painting in her house that said 'Viva la Vida.' I just loved the boldness of it."

I loved her spirit too. A few days ago, I went to kinokuniya to unwind. As I step in, i saw a new book about Michael Jackson again. Often, situations like this makes me want to think that it's a mini surprise God has planned..though that may sound ridiculous but anyway of course I grabbed a copy of it, have the permission of the counter assistant to sample the book, and then quietly sneaked away to a corner. I am happy at this moment of time. As I sat down and flip through the pages, reading about Michael Jackson and seeing the pictures of how he grew up, I really admired and adored this man. The gifts of God simply flow out freely from him. He is connected to God. So unpretentious, caring, fun, kind, gentle, genius, full of passion & love...and the list goes on. Compared to all that he had suffered, I felt mine was nothing. I was so engrossed in my own thoughts until i got distracted by some giggles from the back. There was a little boy, about 2 or 3 years old, he was standing from afar, giggling and smiling at me. I waved back but his dad said " don't disturb jiejie.." I thought it was perfectly ok, i was not disturbed at all, in fact I wished he could smile at me more. So after a few exchange of hellos, waving, flying kisses and goodbyes to the baby boy, the father finally tried to walk him away. I went back to my book, for a few minutes I was thinking will he come back? haha and yes he came back again, fumbling towards my direction. This time his mother was with him instead but she was so kind and allowed him to walk all the way to me. My heart just melted with the innocent smile on this cute chubby face. His eyes seem to be saying something and then he handed me a book he was holding. It was a book from kinokuniya, something about photography, unwrap with a price tag. Of course his little mind will not know that this should not be a present in our first meeting but certainly this gesture tells alot. I felt I was so accepted and befriend by this little boy. And he was so happy when i took the book from his hands. He quickly turned and wanted to get another one for me but then his mother just carried him off. She must have thought that her kid had disturbed me but I was so touched.

MJ used to said this and I totally agreed , children just accept you for who you are on the inside even if you have changed on the outside. After that I went to the borders. I did my regular browsing and checking out new materials till it was about to closed. It was 5 minutes to 11pm and the cashier counters were shutting down. A thought just came to me, " hey why not get that book "rawmoves?" Without any hesitation, I just quickly walked back and chose a nicely wrapped up copy. "Rawmoves" is a pictorial book on nudity by photographer James Housten. I loved the angles, the skin, the emotions and style portrayed by the leading dancers of Australia, Sydney. I love subjects on nudity, I think it's the human art and beauty created by God in it's "barest" form. It's magic. It inspires me to go back painting and drawing again. I have not been doing so for a long time.. just felt so drained to do even what i liked.

Well, today I am listening to this song by Coldplay inspired by Frida Kahlo, she was a lady who met with a devastating accident that nearly destroyed her life, during those painful periods of recovery, she channeled all her pains and time into drawing and painting. I really feel that God is telling me, " Hey Helen, go back and do what you used to like alot and is passionate about, you still have a long life to live! Viva la vida." It must be from God.

Thank you my da jie and mummy and baby is with me all these while orelse I really cannot make it already. When I can barely walk, you are always there beside to carry me so i could stand up and walk again.

Thanks Ian, you are the greatest ZS in the world. You believed in me when i find it so hard to believe in myself & You always do. Thank you for your love, patience, faith and everything!

Thank you Liwei! You are an angel to me when i needed someone the most.

Thank you Xiaowei and Jo, you made me realised that I am not alone and I can have courage again.

Thank you to all my wonderful friends, you know who you are...yes you who are reading this, for your encouragement and love and the little gifts that always come just in time when I needed them.

& Thank you Jesus, you are the love of my life and nothing will ever change this. Because of you, I know I can walk out of this shadow which almost swallowed me. Because of you, I can wake up and see the sun again. You saved me. Thank you so much.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."

1 Corinthians 10:13

Love,
Qiting